31 Weeks

So I have finally made it to 31 weeks. Griffin now weighs about 3.5 - 4 lbs. He now has about a 98% chance of survival if born. We have come so far and I am thankful for so much!

When I got the cerclage I wondered every single day, if he would make it far enough to have a chance at life. Now it is amazing and wonderful that we are where we are. We made it past Christmas, and he is still in my belly :) I have really tired to take one day at a time, and sometimes it is so unbelievable how far we have come, and I still haven't given up hope to make it farther. I know Griffin and I can do this, we just have to hang on a little bit longer to give him a good chance at avoiding the NICU.

Things have been going pretty smoothly lately. It seems like the meds they have me on for contractions are working because I have been having less and less, and for the last few days, not even anything worth keeping track of! It's awesome to go from 15-20 a day now, down to basically none, I love it!

So something I haven't talked about in a while are my pregnancy symptoms hehe, always fun to complain

I can tell that Griffin is getting heavier because wow, I feel it. Sometimes when I stand up (which is not very often!) I feel like there is a bowling ball sitting in my tummy. Such a weird and uncomfortable feeling! My tummy is also growing at quite a good pace now, because in the last bit of pregnancy the baby's main job is putting on weight, so he is getting bigger with each passing day and I can tell for sure! Right now he is gaining about a 1/2 lb a week. Here is a picture showing just 2 weeks of growth :)

It's funny because I have sort of forgotten what it feels like to not have the huge bowling ball in my tummy, what's it like to look down and be able to see my feet? I have no CLUE!?! It's so funny. I was talking to Jeremy this morning about how my whole pregnancy I have been excited about my growing belly, and always ask him about how big it looks, and when he tells me it looks huge, it makes me happy cause I wanted the big baby belly, and because every time my tummy gets bigger it means Griffin is getting bigger, but now as I am getting closer to when he will be born, and I think about loosing the weight and trying to look like myself again, I told him after the baby is born, instead of needing reassurance about how big I am getting he is going to have to switch gears and tell me, about how much smaller I look. I wonder how long it will take to look "normal" again.

The aches and pains have definitely gotten worse. early in the pregnancy I didn't have too much trouble with back pain but that has kicked in for sure, and for some reason a lot of neck issues lately. I think it's from sitting in the recliner all day. Also I have been having a lot of pain in my left hip, worst when I sleep and lay on my left side, but that is how you are supposed to sleep when you are pregnant so I can't avoid it as much as I would like too. I've been to the chiropractor a few times, which has helped but seems to wear off way to quickly.

Griffin is still the crazy active little guy he has been all along, keeps me laughing for sure. Some of his movements have gotten very uncomfortable though. The ones I mentioned a few weeks ago where he smashes against my uterus sometimes make me go uuugh. It feels like he's trying to break out. I describe it as how it feels when you have eaten a REALLY big meal and your just stuffed, but worse!

Today was also a first for Griffin, the first time I felt him having hiccups in there. I guess it is a good sign of lung development from what I've heard so hurray!

Other than that nothing too much new on the symptoms front.

Griffin and I are hanging in there and we are SOOOO grateful for all of you rooting for and praying for us. Keep it up, it's working!

Home from the hospital yesterday

Yesterday I got to come home from the hospital, my cervix was 2 cm at discharge. I'm still having contractions but not enough to send me back for shots. It is amazing how much I appreciate my own bed and my recliner after being stuck in a hospital bed for almost a week.

In the hospital (29 weeks)

I had my Dr appointment on Wednesday and my cervix was not looking good, it measured about 1.5 cm, with funneling(dilation) to the stitch, I had also been having a lot of contractions this week and was in labor and delivery twice in the last week to get tributiline (a horrible stingy shot in my arm) to stop the contractions. So based on all of this My Dr felt I needed to be admitted for hospital bedrest so they can observe and see if they can get things to calm down. I cried when he told me they were going to admit me, but I know it was for the best.

I had a bunch of contractions right after they admitted me and after observing my contractions for about 2 hours they finally gave me another shot of tributiline to stop them.

Wednesday they also started me on a medication called Indocine, it is an anti-inflammatory drug which works by blocking a hormone called prostaglandin. So far it has shown good results, my contractions have definitely slowed down, and Friday I had a cervical ultrasound which showed the best results we have seen in 3-4 weeks. 2.5 cm and closed above the stitch, I was so happy! I asked the Dr why it made my cervix so much better than bed rest alone and she said that it's because Prostaglandins are found in you cervix and lower uterus and they signal your body to progress and start getting ready for labor. Because the indocine blocked the Prostaglandins from continuing to do this, it has worked to help my cervix regain some length and slow down my contractions.

Unfortunately they can not keep me on this medicine for very long and today I will be stopping that med. It has a side effect of decreasing the fluid around the baby. The new one they are starting me on is called procardia and will only work to keep me from having contractions. The Dr said that now they just have to wait and see if my cervix will stay looking good, with less contractions. If it is still looking good on Monday they will let me go home, if it is not so good again after stopping the Indocine then I'll be staying here (boo).

It has been hard for me to accept everything going wrong in my pregnancy and each time I feel I have a grasp on it, I feel like things get thrown out of control again. It's so hard because not only did I just want to be a normal pregnant lady, enjoying every moment, nesting and just feeling happiness and anticipation at the arrival of our little one, I wanted Griffin to have it as easy as possible. It's sad for me, but I also worry so much more for my baby. I worry about all of the drugs they are having to pump me full of to keep him put longer. I worry about how early he will be born and what he will have to go through. I put my faith in God, and remember how thankful I am for how far we have come, I'm just holding on right now. Griffin will be here soon and I can't wait to put this behind us and move forward as a family with our little boy safe and sound in our arms.

The first day here I had a lot of back pain, but that has calmed down, and even though I am not as comfortable as I would be in my own bed I'm doing ok. I've been drinking lots of water, and eating too much hospital food (blech) and trying to keep myself busy with reading, sleeping, watching TV, and of course my computer ;)

Griffin has been a trooper, they have been hooking me up to the monitors to check for contractions and his hearbeat twice a day and he doesn't like how tight they have to make the belts, so he always gets mad and kicks them. Then the nurses all come in and say wow, he sure is an active one isn't he? I always just smile and say yep! He has been doing a lot of rolling and wiggling in there lately and making sure I pay enough attention to him.

All of the Drs and nurse keep telling me how good it is that I am at 29 weeks and how everything is going to be ok. My Dr says he thinks we can probably keep Griffin in about 4 more weeks so I am hanging onto all of that positivity and putting one foot in front of the other.

On a happier note, my baby shower was scheduled for this Sunday and now that I am in the hospital it has been moved here! I'm so glad that I have people in my life willing to drive that extra hour to celebrate with us, and people willing to rearrange things and make phone calls to make sure that everyone knew what was going on. There is a room on the second floor of the hospital that we are allowed to use, and as much as I wish we weren't having my baby shower in the hospital I am so glad it was not canceled. It is something I have been looking forward to SOOOO much and I'm so excited to put away the worry and fear for a while and just enjoy the celebration of Griffin becoming a part of our family.

Griffin's favorite new way of saying hi :)

So Griffin's favorite new way of saying hello is mashing his body parts into the walls of my uterus, how is this different than kicking you might ask? well, what happens is I feel this immense pressure if I put my hand down to my belly I can feel a body lump right under my skin. Usually I think it's his butt, but sometimes his back and it feels like he is trying to push his way out. He will usually keep up steady pressure for about one to two minutes, and if I press my hand there and rub, he will usually roll away from me, like "mom, leave me be!"

Tonight was so weird I felt his butt (I think) abut 3 inches above my belly button I put my hand on the lump and bounced it a bit to see what he would do, and it was sooo weird every time I pushed down I could feel his head hitting my cervix, this totally woke him up and then he stated wiggling like crazy, yeah he makes me laugh!

Griffin in 3d

Here are some pictures of our little cutie!!!

This is our little boy practicing how to eat. Yummy thumb :)


This picture shows Griffin's cute little chin and notice he is wearing his placenta like a sumbraro

Waving hello

cute little boy :)

yes, that is a foot up by his face.

Smirking just like his daddy does, lol

yes, he is a little boy, can you tell?

27 weeks

so I haven't posted in a while so here is the update.

Griffin is getting bigger everyday and according to the growth estimates from our ultrasound the day before thanksgiving he weighs about 2 lbs and 7 oz now!!! Isn't that so cool?!?!? Every ounce he gains brings him closer to a healthy birth weight and that is what we want, to avoid the NICU!!!

My appointments the last few weeks have been ok, My cervix is not staying as long as before and is now showing quite a bit of change with pressure where as before it didn't change much with pressure. My last Dr apt my cervix was 2.3 at it's longest measurement and 1.7 cm at it's shortest. The Dr will not give me any estimation still on how long he thinks I will go, he always just says as long as we can. I'll be happy as long as I make it to at least 34 weeks when they take out my cerclage.

Jeremy and I have started taking childbirth classes and it has been fun but has also really brought to the forefront of my brain the reality that this baby is going to have to get out of my tummy somehow and it will probably be scary and exciting at the same time. Reality is sinking in that this is REALLY going to happen.

I'm not scared of being a mom, just of certain things, like giving birth, and breast feeding. I think these are probably normal first time mom fears. but despite the things I'm nervous about I have way more to be excited about!!!!

I can not wait to hold him in my arms, see his sweet little face and take care of him... I feel so blessed to have gotten this far and everyday my worries about the dangers of having a preemie are fading a bit... soon it will be a fear from the past.

tomorrow is our 3d ultrasound so we will get a real peek into what ur little Griffin is doing, it'll be so interesting :)

Some Pictures of Jeremy, Griffin (in mommy's tummy) and Candiss!

These are the amature ones... Erin has offered to take some professional ones of us sometime in the next few weeks, I'm really looking forward to it!!!

Pictures of Griffin's new clothes!

sleeper that says: 100% boy
Sleeper that says: here comes trouble

outfit that says: Mellow out dude

outfit that says: Mommy and Daddy love me

This is a special one, the cowboy boots were bought last year by Grandpa Steinke, so they were Gabriel's. Now Griffin will wear them, in honor of his older brother. We got the cutest cowboy/sheriff outfit for him to wear with them. On the back of the jacket is a picture of a doggy cowboy riding a rocking horse, and on the back pocket it says little sheriff :)

front view : notice the sheriff star :)

The onesie that goes underneath

Our bear snow suit for our little Teddy Graham

24 weeks

Hi everyone, Just wanted to give you an update. Something amazing happened this week, Griffin reached viability!!! Hurray!!! This means that If he is born early from this point on he has a chance at life, The Drs and nurse will fight to save him if he is born.

I hope and pray everyday that we make it so much further than this but knowing he has a chance now, lifts a weight from my heart. Everyday he grows stronger, everyday he stays in my tummy he grows bigger and healthier and has a better chance at making it home safe and sound.

This week at the ultrasound Griffin was sooo cute, he is actually starting to look like he is running out of room in there, and he's working on the cutest little pot belly! He was curled up head down in the fetal position with his arms and legs towards my right side, and his ankles crossed. I was wondering why I had been feeling him kick on the right side soooo much, and that explained it!

My Dr appointment this week was full of needles. I had my regular weekly progesterone shot in my right hip and then I got the first of 2 shots of steroids (I went in Friday morning for the second one) which will help Griffin's lungs, intestines, and even heart mature faster in case he is born early. This shot went in my left hip, and ooohhh it stung! Also after much thought and discussion with the Dr we did decide to go ahead and have me get the swine flu vaccine, this one was in my right arm, and stung going in but wasn't so bad after that. Things with my cervix were still nice and stable, and I got permission to go out with Jeremy to start our baby registry as long as I stayed in a wheelchair and kept it to one hour at time. I also finally got permission for Jeremy to take me out to dinner.

So Friday afternoon Jeremy was set to take me out to start our registry and then that evening was going to take me out for dinner, but unfortunately none of it happened. I've been pretty paranoid about getting sick and my mom has been very good about trying to keep the germs away from me and making sure that everyone is washing their hands, but Friday I woke up with a cough, and Jeremy was actually coughing too. My dad and Lindsey have been sick (with flu like symptoms) for about the past two weeks. My dad wasn't getting better so my mom finally insisted on him going to the Dr. The news after testing, he has full blown swine flu. The Drs are taking it very seriously so everyone in the house was put on a prescription of a medicine called Tamiflu which is an antiviral, which will help prevent flu from taking hold, or reduce symptoms and severity if you are already sick.

So since we were exposed and possibly infected with swine flu, (so much for the vaccine I got the day before) Jeremy and I decided to delay our trip until we saw how our health was over the weekend.

So amazingly I am feeling really good right now, I took my first dose of tamiflu Friday evening and by the next day my cough was almost gone and I felt almost totally better, everyone else seems to be doing fine, and my dad is starting to feel better. Lindsey had the worst cough and ended up with another prescription for an inhaler and an antibiotic. Hopefully everything will be ok. If Jer and I are still doing fine by Tuesday he will take me to start our registry then, and out to dinner on Friday. So I'm looking forward to my first trip out of the house for something fun, in the last 6 weeks!

Other than that I've started having some braxton hicks contractions which I'm told is normal but it still makes me nervous. They seem to happen more in the evening and especially when my bladder is full. I've been told if I start having a contraction once every 10 minutes to worry but if I just have a few at random intervals that I need not worry. I just want to tell my uterus to relax, it really doesn't need to "practice" yet!

I also have permission to start birthing classes. They start this week, but we are still waiting to see if Jeremy can get Thursday nights off for the next couple of months so we can go. I'm supposed to do mostly observation, in other words no getting into birthing positions or doing anything that might stress my body or increase abdominal pressure. I can participate in breathing or any relaxation things and of course take full advantage of all the instruction and information we will be given.

My tummy is starting to feel really big sometimes, and I'm loving it, although it does make it a bit harder to roll over in bed at night, lol.

My hormones have been running a bit high this last week so I've been pretty emotional about everything, I don't know what I would do without Jeremy keeping me sane, grounded and cheered up when I'm sad or worried.

He also did the sweetest thing this week he bought Griffin 2 outfits and 2 pairs of pajamas and gave them to me the morning Griffin reached 24 weeks as a happy 24 weeks present! And for being a guy, he did a really good job and picked out some really cool stuff. He also told me that when he ran out to get some groceries last week he saw a bear snowsuit, with little bear ears, and paws for hands and feet... so he is going to pick it up today. Our little Teddy Graham is going to have a bear snow suit, how cute is that!

We also had a celebration cake on Saturday to commemorate Griffin reaching 24 weeks. My mom made a yummy chocolate forest cake, which is a made from scratch chocolate cake with cherries, whipped cream, and chocolate shavings on top... We had candles that said happy day and Jeremy and I blew them out together, it was so much fun.

So that's the LONG update!

Here is my belly pic for 24 weeks


The celebration cake made by Grandma Jane

Our pretty cake with lighted candles

blowing out the candles

23 weeks

So I am now less than a week from viability and the good news is that Griffin is measuring big, already at an estimated 1lb 7 oz and measuring at a gestational age almost a week ahead of where he is supposed to be (23 weeks 6 days on the day I turned 23 weeks)

I was supposed to see my Dr (the one who did my cerclage) but at the last minute he was not available, so I had to see a Dr I had never met before. My cervix was still measuring fairly stable at 2.6 which is good, but I REALLY wanted to ask my Dr some questions and since my Dr wasn't there I had to talk to the new guy. He seemed in a big hurry, didn't even come into the room and close the door just stood with my file at the door to talk. He told me that my cervix looked good, and said I can sit upright for longer periods of time now, and go up the stairs several times a day, and take a bit longer than 5 minutes in the shower if I want. I asked if Jeremy could take me out to dinner, but he said no, and then I asked at what point would they consider giving me steroid shots for the babies lungs. He said "oh, you haven't had those yet? I'll order them for next week"

I wanted to ask more questions but I didn't because he was too unapproachable, so I'll ask next week, but I'm wondering why I need the shots if I am not threatening to deliver right away, the shots are most effective for one week after they are given and since I don't want to get multiple rounds if I don't have to I'm not sure what to do. I need to do some research on it.

So for the last few days I've been sitting up more, which has made my feet feel like all the blood is rushing to my feet, it's funny how 1 month of not doing it very often makes feel so weird! Also when I sit up for about 1/2 hour or more I feel a pulling sensation in the sides of my belly like muscles or ligaments stretching which is pretty uncomfortable, and it has been making my back hurt too. So I've been taking it slow and plan on increasing just a bit throughout the week.

I'm still a bit nervous about increasing my activity, but it feels so good to move a little bit more towards normal. I am still taking it very easy, but I have to trust that the Drs know what they are talking about. I still wish I had been able to talk to my Dr. I really trust him to take good care of me, I hope I can see him again soon. Next week I am scheduled with the midwife.

Here are the new pcitures we got of our cute little guy at his ultrasound.


Check out my handomse profile! :) The blob you see above me is my placenta.



another cute profile picture, check out my chicken legs... lol

look at my cute little toes :)

my creepy face picture ;)

Griffin and his baby dance :)

Before I got pregnant I never wondered about what it was like being pregnant, to me it was just a way to have a baby, and I knew I wanted babies. I never really thought about what it would actually be like to have a tiny human being living and squirming in my tummy.

So here are my thoughts on the subject, now that I've lived it :)

Feeling him move is an awesome, strange, humbling, totally more than anything I ever imagined type of experience.

It is awesome, it hasn't gotten common place or normal feeling yet. It still gives me a smile, and makes me wonder at how amazing life can be. It's still one of my favorite things about being pregnant and helps me feel more connected to Griffin than anything else!

It can be strange. Sometimes it does feel like I have an alien in there ;) imagine sitting there peacefully when all of the sudden your sweet little baby gives your bladder a BIG kick, suddenly I feel a surge and have to squeeze my muscles "down there" with everything I have just to stay dry... lol aww the joys of parenthood starting already... haha. He also loves to kick off the top of my uterus and then use the momentum to head butt my cervix, it is one of the most uncomfortable things he does and sometimes he makes me jump when he does it. Sometimes he gets into a pattern and will do it over and over, so I usually end up changing position and jiggling my belly and telling him to take a chill pill, sometimes it works.... sometimes it doesn't... the little rascal! I can also feel him wiggling around, it feels like I am feeling him snuggle deeper under his covers at bedtime, settling in for the night. Jeremy and I can feel his stronger kicks with a hand rested on my belly. Jeremy says it feels like there is a balloon in there and someone is blowing half a breath into it and then letting it rush back out...lol. I can also tell when he is awake and asleep which is so weird!

It's also humbling, when I think there is really actually another human being inside of my body. And he is not just any human being, he is our son, he is part Jeremy and part me, he is our son! when I realize that I am giving our son a warm safe place to grow it makes me so happy. It is unbelievable that God has given us this ability to nurture and grow our children I feel so blessed!

It's more than I ever imagined and I'm so happy to be Griffin's mommy!

A correction

I accidentally gave my blog yesterday the title of 23 weeks 4 days (subconscious wishful thinking) when I was only actually only 21 weeks 4 days.

Just thought I would let everyone know... but I'll get there eventually

21 weeks + 4 days today

So things are calm right now which is awesome. I am just over two weeks out from having the cerclage and things are still stable which is also a REALLY good sign.

Griffin is kicking harder everyday and it is so much fun. He is such a wiggler. I've been told this means he will be a really active baby. I wonder if that's true? Jeremy and I are both calm laid back people, it would sure be interesting if Griffin ended up being a hyperactive little guy!

Just a warning I am going to complain: Bed rest is hard. You might think it would be fun and relaxing to lay around all day and have people serve you (we are staying with my mom right now so she makes me food and brings me everything I need) but really think about it. I can't just get up whenever I want, I can't just go grab a snack when I get hungry, I have to call someone to do it. I don't get to go out shopping or to the movies right now. And believe it or not being on bed rest makes you very tired. My body is stiff and my muscles are also stiff and tired a lot more than usual. The other really big thing is that it is lonely. When I want some human contact I can't just go see what everyone is up to, people have to come to me, and I don't have much to offer in the way of excitement so yep, it can get a bit lonely.

Now that my complaints are out of my system I also have to say that I am so glad to be doing this for my little boy. I will and would do ANYTHING to get Griffin here safely. Everyday I go to bed and thank God that Griffin and I made it through the day safe and together, and every morning I thank God for getting us through another night. Everyday is a blessing and I cherish every moment with this little one.

That said I have to admit how scary this still is for me. I obviously have good days and bad, and like I've said before I feel good knowing that the Drs know what the problem is and that everything is being done to keep Griffin safe. Still when I lay in bed at night wondering what the next day will hold I worry. I'm so close to viability and yet I'm still not there yet, I just want to be past 24 weeks where I know this little boy has a chance at life. I'm hanging in there and trying everyday to be strong and positive for Griffins sake.

I also want to say that I am so grateful for my family and friends. I love your comments on facebook and e-mails with encouragement, every word means so much to me!

And I have to say a special thank you to my mom who has been my cheerleader throughout this whole pregnancy. She is the one who supported me with doing everything possible to get this baby here safely. She helped me clean my house and cooked me food and took care of me throughout my morning sickness. She's been the one who is mostly taking care of me on bed rest too. I LOVE her so much and appreciate how much a mother loves her child with a new appreciation. so THANK YOU SOOOOOO much mom. You are AWESOME!!!

I also want to say a special thank you to my wonderful husband Jeremy! He is my shoulder to cry on and the one who keeps me sane throughout this. He never complains when I need help with something or even when I want something I don't REALLY need, like my nightly foot rub ;) He is the one that can put a smile on my face and make me laugh even when I am feeling sorry for myself and the one who lights up my life. He already takes such good care of Griffin so I know he will be an awesome dad and I am so happy and proud to call him my husband!

So that's the update, we are still trucking along and hoping to make it as far as possible!

20 weeks

Yesterday I was 20 weeks... that's halfway to full term!

Our dr apt went well today. I am now allowed to sit up to eat & sit in a recliner during the day. So I can at least leave the bed for a while. The dr says if all is looking good in two weeks he'll give me even more privileges, like maybe walking upstairs to the kitchen to help cook as long as I am sitting down

During the ultrasound today my cervix was an excellent length 3.8cm and the ultrasound tech called Teddy Graham a crazy boy cause as usual he was giving her a hard time and wiggling around! He is such a ham ;)

in other news: today was the first time Jeremy felt Griffin move with his hand on my tummy! I think it freaked him out a bit at first cause he jerked his hand away and said "are you sure I'm not squishing him?" lol but it was wonderful and we were both so excited!!!!!

Pictures from the hospital

my favorite thing to eat in the hospital :)



The room I spent my time in

Jeremy giving Griffin a hello

Griffin and I hanging in there.

home from the hospital

So yesterday I was sent home from the hospital. I'm SOOO happy to be sleeping in my own bed, and SOOOO glad that everything seems to be calm and stable.

The emergency cerclage was done on Saturday and because my cervix was only dilating and not really shortening the Dr was able to get the stitch in 2.5 cm up from the bottom of my cervix which he said is really good. They rechecked my cervix on Monday morning it measured 3 cm so it was closed .5 cm above the stitch which the Dr seemed to be pleased with, and then they re-checked it yesterday afternoon one more time before they discharged me, and it was 3.5 cm so EVEN BETTER!!! Hurray!

I am so glad that the stitch seems to be doing it's job and that my cervix has calmed down and decided to behave better.

I've been feeling baby boy moving a lot stronger in the last week and last night was the first time I felt him nudge so strong I felt it with my hand on top of my belly. I thank God every moment he is still safe, and that we made it through this. Now we just hope and pray he stays put long enough.The Dr told me that it is unlikely I'll make it to full term and I should just take every week as a blessing, he went over all of the preemie survival and disability stats with me too. Right now I'd be ok with him going to the NICU as long as he comes home happy and healthy, I just hope he doesn't have to.

The only thing that is still a bit of a worry is that my C reactive protein (indicates inflammation) is still too high. The Dr almost kept me in the hospital longer because of it, but since everything else looks good and I haven't shown ANY signs of infection since arrival, and since I'd had zero contractions since entering the hospital he decided to send me home on an anti-inflammatory pill twice a day for a week and then once a day for a week and we'll see how I do.

They sent me home on complete bedrest, only up for bathroom and one short shower a day. It's gonna be hard because my bones are already stiff and sore from the last 4 days, but I'll do it. I've been trying to move around my feet and legs and arms when I can to keep blood flowing but it's my back that is sore.

My next appointment is this Friday, they will check my cervix again and give me my progesterone shot. I'll be seeing the Dr once a week for the next bit until they decide I have stabilized.

For some reason I just have this feeling like everything is going to be ok, and that I'm going to hold this baby in my arms alive and healthy. I hope that my hope and optimism transfer to the little one and do some good. One thing I can say is this one is a fighter! He is so active and took no trouble from anyone. He gave everyone a hard time at the hospital, every time the nurses tried to find his heartbeat they had to chase him, cause he was running around all over my belly playing hide and seek, and even the ultrasound techs were having to chase him. The other REALLY funny thing is that after the tech told us he was a boy, a few minutes later the tech started laughing and when we asked why he said because the baby was playing with his boy parts, he zoomed in and there he was holding onto it like it was a joystick lol. I think I'm going to have a real goofball on my hands and I can't wait to meet him.

We also gave him his official name a few days ago. It is a bit of a tribute to Gabriel. It starts with a G too and it is one of the names we were seriously considering for Gabriel until he became our Angel baby and then we really wanted him to have an angel name. So Teddy Graham's official name is Griffin :) We really like it. A griffin is a mythological creature that is part lion (king of the forest = courage) and part eagle (king of the air = speed) we thought it was SOOO fitting. We haven't decided totally on spelling yet but we'll work it out soon enough.

Thanks again for the support and prayers, I'll be sure to keep the blog updated on our progress.

The day after the cerclage

Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers.

Teddy Graham and I are still alive and hopefully on the road to recovery. I was very groggy and out of it yesterday, but at least I got a good sleep last night.

Yesterday was pretty awful. I was soooo worried that any moment my water would break, or something else bad would happen. I held on to hope with all of my strength and Teddy Graham and I are still here!

The cerclage was not fun. They tried to do a spinal (same thing they would do as for c-section) and they couldn't get it in. It was SOOO painful, because she kept missing, they tried for about 15 minutes and then gave up and just knocked me completely out. So I don't remember anything until I woke up.

The Dr said it went well my water bag is still in tact THANK GOD!!! when he got in there he said my cervix was still long enough to get in a good stitch (I'll have to ask for numbers) and he felt the surgery went well. after I woke up I was having severe cramping, which hurt REALLY bad but apparently was not contractions so that is good, and I haven't had any contractions since I got here so that's also a good sign. I bled from the procedure yesterday and through the night it tapered off, this morning it's almost gone so they tell me that's good too.

The plan is I'll be in the hospital for a few more days and if everything goes well they will send me home on complete bed rest. They will wait a week and then do another ultrasound to check my cervix, if it's looking good and the stitch is holding they will let me sit up a bit during the week and then recheck. eventually he hopes to have me on modified bed rest but it all depends on how my cervix behaves.

I feel better about getting up to go to the bathroom today knowing how well they got the stitch in and that everything is being held in place and I'm aloud to incline the head of the bed just a little bit. I also might get to have a very quick shower today.

The biggest worry right now is whether or not I had a pre-exsting infection. The dr would not have done the surgery if he felt it was a likely possibility, so he thinks I probably don't, but there still is a chance.

Right now I feel like I have hope, this might sound crazy but knowing what is wrong and why I lost Gabriel, knowing that there is something proactive I can do next time to prevent this makes me feel a little better. It makes me feel like everything just might be ok. Yes it sucks that I have an incompetent cervix, my dumb body is the one not functioning and my babies have to pay the price, but at least there is something they can do.

As much as yesterday was hard emotionally, physically painful, stressful and scary, I would do it over and over again if I had to. I will fight for the life of this baby, he will not leave me without a fight.

So scared, Please pray!!!!

Everyone please pray for me and Teddy Graham. I was admitted to the hospital today after a regularly scheduled doctor appt.. My OB found that although my cervix was still fairly long, it was funnelled down to .86 cm. and the amniotic sac is sagging down that far as well. They did an ultrasound and there was some debri in the amnotic sac which they think might be an infecion. I've had blood drawn and one lab slightly elevated indicating possible infection.
The only weird symptom leading up to today was feeling like the baby was kicking my cervix. Other than that I had no warning that anything was wrong.
They have me in the Trendelynburg position (head lower than feet). The doctor will be coming by later tonight to talk to me and I may be getting a cerclage tomorrow depending on if there is enough cervix left to work with and if there are no infections.
I'm trying to be hopeful, but I'm really scared.

18 and 19 weeks :)

Sorry I didn't write an update last week, there wasn't too much to say and then I kept telling myself I'd do it tomorrow and then never got around to it. So here it is already week 19 so I'm writing both together :)

Things have been going well, baby is growing well, my Dr appointments have all been normal with everything looking as it should. Not too many new symptoms just still fighting with some of my usual ones.

The only new thing is that I've been getting light headed more and almost fainted once in the shower last week.

I've gotten two progesterone shots so far and they really aren't that bad, I was worried because I heard they hurt and then the shot location is sore afterwards but really it hasn't bothered me :)

My tummy is really starting to look pregnant to me the shape of it is definitely different than just a chubby tummy. Which is cool, I think that depending on what I wear I look more pregnant some days, but probably within the next month or so when I go in pubic people will be able to tell with no doubt!

I have definitely still felt like my tummy is really tight, I'm still getting pain when I yawn because it just seems like there is not enough room in there! Well Teddy graham is getting HUGE so that is probably why, this week he is about 6 inches, just picture a 6 inch sub from subway but then add on arms and legs… pretty cool huh?

I'm feeling him kick and wiggle everyday between 4-5 times a day now, some days more and some days less. It's funny cause sometimes it seems like the baby will have a sleepy day or two and then come in full force the next day and make up for lost time. I LOVE feeling Teddy graham move, it is really such a cool feeling!

Our big ultrasound where we will find out gender for sure and get lots of pictures of the baby is Oct 9th. After that ultrasound I'll be sure to post lots of pictures for you guys to see. At that ultrasound we will also get to see the baby in 3d so that should be AWESOME too!

Well here are some new pictures and some comparisons.

What do you think? :)

17 weeks

So here I am at 17 weeks, now officially more pregnant than I've ever been and to be honest I am very happy and excited to be here. I feel like I'm on the verge of experiencing so many new and wonderful things and I can't wait.

I was talking to Jeremy this morning about what it actually feels like to be pregnant, something that I never gave much thought to before it happened to me last year. It is very strange. My body doesn't truly feel like it's mine anymore, weird things happen to me that I have no control over. It's not necessarily a bad thing, some of it is uncomfortable, but some of it is amazingly wonderful, like feeling the baby move and watching my belly growing knowing that it's because Teddy graham is getting bigger too. To be honest I hate the physical parts of being pregnant right now, like my dry throat every evening, the aches and pains that come along with this, the food aversions, and the nausea that still pops up from time to time, but I wouldn't trade this in for the world because the awesome part, the amazing part is that I am caring for a human life in my tummy. I am protecting the child that Jeremy and I made because we love each other and wanted the chance to share our love with a new member in our family. The connection I feel to this baby is so special, it really does feel magical sometimes. I thank God for the opportunity he has given me to nurture and care for Teddy Graham and I truly cherish every moment.

This week Teddy Graham is starting to be able to hear things outside the womb, I read that if there is a loud noise the baby will jump. So I've started talking out loud a lot more to the baby and I've been singing to the baby, mostly while I'm in the shower and no one is listening ;) and for his part every night before we go to bed Jeremy has started the tradition of reading a bedtime story to Teddy Graham. Baby is also getting bigger at almost 5 inches and starts to put on some fat this week.

I've got lots of symptoms to report on this week;

The dry throat and mouth is still happening in the evenings, but we've been keeping the humidifier running all day and it seems to help some.

This past week I've started to feel my uterus more, and what I mean by that is I feel something heavy and just "there" in my lower abdomen. Sometimes it feels a bit uncomfortable which I'm sure is the ligaments stretching, and yesterday when I was walking around it felt like I could feel my uterus bouncing with each step, but if I put my hand on my lower abdomen kind of firmly while I walked the feeling went away, so weird huh?

Also the last two weeks have been stretchy weeks for me which basically means I've been feeling like my abdomen is tighter and my insides are trying to find new places to situate themselves. It's crazy because right now it is actually painful to yawn because it feels like there is not enough room for my breath to go, and it feels like it is stretching my tummy too much and it might just burst form all the extra air.

I've also been getting some heart palpitations. I'm going to ask the dr about it because it freaks me out a bit. It doesn't happen every day but a few times this week and I do not like how it feels at all. I wonder if it is normal during pregnancy. Also if I stand up to fast from a laying down position I get a head rush, and I can feel the blood pounding in my head, so I've been having to make a conscious effort to take things a little slower. I know my body is making extra blood because of the pregnancy and I can sure tell because my veins are just getting more and more pronounced.

Speaking of veins, remember the bruise on my hand from the ER and how I re-bruised it on the doorknob last week, well this week I re-bruised it again by hitting it on the wall on my way out our door into the garage, Jeremy told me I need to strap a pillow to my wrist if I ever want it to heal lol. Despite the many set backs the bruise is much smaller and I'm hoping it will be gone by next week.

Teddy Graham has still been wiggling around in my tummy. I still don't feel him everyday but more days than not I do. One day this last week I hadn't felt him all day and I was sitting at my desk by my computer when I sneezed and then suddenly there he was kicking me. I thought that was so funny, either he was saying "hey I was sleeping in here, cut it out" or he was saying "that was fun do it again!" . Also yesterday the baby was VERY active, I felt him on 4 separate occasions and the last one was the best. Most of the time it feels very light like a butterfly in my tummy, or kind of like a quivering sort of feeling, but the last one yesterday REALLY felt like kicks, it was like 4-5 pokes to the left side of my tummy right in a row. I was reading a book and it almost made me drop it, but it was AWESOME!

Other than that nothing else new, we are just taking everyday as it comes and praying for many more (23 weeks more) of Teddy Graham in my tummy :)

Here is my 17 week tummy picture

16 weeks + 3 days

Today I am the same gestational age in this pregnancy as when Gabriel died last year. It is a day of mixed emotions for me I'm sad and hopeful. I miss my first born and even though it has been a year, the pain of loosing him is still there. I am also happy that this pregnancy has been different, so far everything is going wonderfully and the baby is doing fine, still has amniotic fluid and nothing is wrong.

One interesting thing about being in my particular situation is that I know exactly what a 16 week old fetus looks like. I delivered my little Gabriel and then we were able to hold him and say our goodbyes in our own time. I can picture exactly what this baby in my tummy looks like now and would feel like right now.

When Gabriel was born he was 8 inches from head to feet, his little hands and feet were perfect and he even had well formed nails on each of his tiny digits. I know what it felt like to have his tiny hand curl around mine. You could see his Jeremy and I both in his face. He was a perfectly formed tiny human being.

I'm trying to focus on the positive today and even as I miss my first little boy I am trying to remember the joy he brought me. I've been loving Teddy Graham with everything I have since the moment I found out I was pregnant and will continue let my love grow and to cherish every second because I know just how precious the life that I am carrying is.

My precious son, you left an imprint in our hearts that can never be replaced. We will hold you in our hearts until we meet again...

16 weeks

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on my posts as well as I should. Today will be an update on 16 weeks and my Dr appointment last week Friday at 15 weeks.

So first for the update from my Dr appointment last Friday. The Appointment went well, my cervix is still looking good, we saw the baby on the ultrasound wiggling around, and the biggest news (most of you have probably already heard this) the Dr thinks it's a boy! She is not 100% since we go to a medicaid clinic the ultrasound machine is VERY low quality. We will be getting our anatomy scan with a much better machine at 20 weeks so then we should know the gender for sure as long as the baby cooperates.

Here are the pictures we got from our ultrasound last week.

Now an update on how we are doing this week.

Funny thing is that Teddy Graham has been so uncooperative this week. Jeremy and I attempt to listen to his heartbeat once a day and lately he will not hold still, as soon as we find him, we hear an almost shuffling noise and then he moves and the heartbeat fades away, if we want to listen more we have to search to find him again. I think he is really active, I'm still feeling him move, not everyday, but then some days I feel it more than once. I think it is so much fun and I can't wait until he is big enough for other people to feel him too!

One really strange thing that has been happening to me all week is that every evening around 8:00 pm my throat starts getting REALLY dry. I get so thirsty, and it's not for lack of drinking, cause I have been doing really good lately about drinking water throughout the day. Then when I go to sleep it gets worse and will actually wake me up. I feel like I've been walking in a desert all day. I've been drinking lots of water throughout the night to help my dry mouth and throat but now it's also making me have to get up WAY to much to pee, Some nights I get up 10-15 times. we bought a humidifier to put in the room, but it has only helped a bit. Funny thing is that this only happens at night, I don't feel like this during the day, and by the time I wake up in the morning I feel normal again, but all night I feel as if I am dehydrated! so weird, I'm going to have to ask the Dr about this one, cause it's kind of rough and I wonder what's going on.

another interesting thing that has become very noticeable this week is my veins, the are getting more prominent everywhere, my chest and even my feet now have much more noticeable veins, so interesting!

I'm so glad to be over the cold I had and to have had no other serious issues this week! No trips to the ER hurray!!!!!

By this time next week I'll be more pregnant than I've ever been. I'm about to embark into uncharted waters, I'm excited and nervous. Hoping and praying for the best, and I'm so glad that I'm growing Teddy Graham and I have Jeremy to support me along the way!

Here is a fun comparison I thought I would share. 12 weeks vs 16 weeks sitting down tummy... grown a bit huh?

Also if you read my post about the ER visit from last week you know I had a very bad IV experience. This week the bruise is still there, but I also went to the bathroom in the middle of the night the other day and didn't realise the bathroom door was closed so I smacked right into it with my forehead and smashed my hand into the doorknob and rebruised it, the fresh bruise is the pinker part near the bottom and the older bruise that is darker is still from the ER... fun huh?

Felt Teddy Graham Moving!!!

Yesterday I was lounging in my mom's bed watching wife swap with Tiffany. I was eating superlink casserole. Suddenly I felt a very noticeable tapping/fluttering feeling in my lower abdomen. It made me stop in my tracks and get a big smile on my face, I put down my food and shifted around to see if I would still feel it and sure enough it came back after I stopped moving. It went on for about 5 minutes on and off and it was sooo cool. I hope I feel it again soon, I love it when Teddy Graham lets me know he/she is doing well and says hi :)

I called Jeremy at work and told him, and after exclaimed how cool it was he said "enjoy it while you can because soon Teddy will be bouncing on your bladder and it might not be so much fun." I don't know because I have never felt a big baby moving before but I hope it's not too uncomfortable.

It was such a happy moment but also bittersweet because it reminded me of the one time I felt Gabriel moving before my water broke... I miss him and wish he were still here with us. Even though he's not with us right now, I know I'll see him again and I'm so glad his little sister/brother is doing well.

So Here I am at 15 weeks. This has been a HARD one. I'm glad to be at the begining of a new week (in the pregnancy) and hope this one goes smoother than the last few. Let me just say that being sick is SOOOO not fun, and it's worse when you're pregnant because you can't take the medication you normally would, you're worried about the baby, and your immune system is not as strong as it would normally be so you stay sick longer!

The sore throat continued to be a struggle for most of the week. I lost alot of sleep because the pain of swallowing in my sleep would actually wake me up and then I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. I finally called my OB and went in to be tested for strep throat. It came back negative so I was basically given some over the counter medications I could use and told to rest and wait for my body to fight off the Virus. One of the meds I got was a throat spray that was supposed to numb your throat, but it didn't go well, the second I sprayed it in my throat I knew it was bad idea, and out came all of my lunch UGHH.

Well finally my throat statred feeling better. Yesterday my throat was actually feeling pretty much normal. Something funny about being sick for so long is that, I would swallow and still be waiting for the pain, and then I'd be like ahhh I'm better now, big grin. It's wierd when swallowing without pain is wierd to you lol

Anyway, just when things were looking up they went downhill again. I had been dealing with some pretty bad diarrhea since tuesday. Then yesterday morning when I woke up I ran to the toilet with the runs again, half an hour of clutching my tummy in pain from the cramps and letting it all out ;) I felt a bit better. Jeremy woke up and got me some cereal, while I was eating pain in my upper abdomen started. Kept getting worse. I thought maybe its gas, so I took two gas x and laid down for about an hour. By the end of the hour the pain had only gotten worse and I was in tears. I know I got my gall bladder out, but it totally felt like a gall bladder atack.

I put a call into my OB and they told me to go to the ER. So when we got there they took my info. I told them I was only 14 wks + 6 days pregnant but my last menstral period was April 27 (I have polycystic ovary syndrome so you can't always predict my ovulation based on that for me) then a nurse came and got me, took me back to a room and took blood pressure ect, then someone came with a wheelchair and told me they were taking me up to labor and delivery to be checked out.

So they take me up there and have me get undressed ect, then leave me in the room for about 15 minutes, then a nurse comes in and says, sorry we have too take you back down to ER because youre not far enough along to be up here.

Apparently they didnt listen to me and looked at my last period date to determine how far along I was instead of listening to how many weeks I told them I was. So they take me back down to the Er.

Finally the ER Dr comes in to see me, he asks me questions and says they are going to do some labs and go from there. He said right away that my symptoms seem to be stomach and bowel related not baby related so I felt a bit better.

A few minutes later someone came in to draw blood and start an IV. I asked if they really needed to start an IV and he said that they always do it when they draw blood just in case. Ok... so he tries on my right arm near the crease by my elbow, and couldnt get the vein, dug around for a few minutes, nothing. Pretty uncomfortable but I was handling it. So he pulls it out and gets another needle, now he goes for the back of my right hand…. OUCH it felt like bee sting when he stuck it in there and again, he couldnt find the vein. Kept digging with me writhing in pain and saying ouch, ouch, ouch and eventually I started to cry… I couldnt help myself, it hurt so bad! I finally said PLEASE STOP, youre hurting me. So he finally pulled out the needle, and then my vein blew and my hand started getting this throbbing knot the size of a quarter and about 3/4 inches tall on it.

All this time he has said NOTHING! Not Im sorry Im hurting you, are you ok, nothing. So now Im thinking who is this guy and I glance at his name badge… and guess what it says? It says student paramedic!?!?! WHAT? No one told me he was a student or asked me if it would be ok for him to do this. I was so mad. He didnt even say anything about my hand and what was happening he just got up and started to walk out of the room. I had to stop him and say, is this normal for my hand to be swelling up like this? He said oh dont worry your vein just blew… So I said ok, now what. He said I'll go get your nurse.

I just bust into tears when he left. I was still in pain in my tummy, and this guys comes in and adds to my pain and injuries. I know they have to learn on someone, I just wish I had been told and given the opportunity to choose. I really hate needles and I would have preferred someone who knew what they were doing. Anyway, after that a new person (not a student) comes in to draw blood and put in the IV she did it on the first try with my other arm within 30 seconds. SO much better!

Then we basically waited about 1 1/2 hours for labs. By then I was feeling much better and wishing I had just stayed home. They came back and told me everything looked fine and they dont know why I was having pain. So they sent me home. I still don't have any clue what the pain was all about but I'm just glad it is GONE! I know Teddy Graham is still doing fine because his/her heartbeat is nice and strong on my doppler and no bleeding or cramping in my lower abdomen, but still yesterday was a rough day!

Other than that nothing too much new this week, I have just been trying to get better and rest as much as possible. Here's hoping for a healthier week with no pain or dramma.

right at the end of 15 weeks is when my water broke with Gabriel, so I'm a bit nervous this week. Please keep hoping and praying with Jeremy and I that this baby will be strong and healthy, have a strong and healthy amniotic sack and that this little one will make it home with us!

So here are my pics this week, my tummy continues to grow... I know some people worry about getting bigger while pregnant and gaining weight ect, but I just love the fact that my tummy getting bigger means the baby is getting bigger... HURRAY little Teddy Graham is growing leaps and bounds and is already about 4.5 inches from head to butt, then add arms and legs :) how quickly they grow ;)



Bare tummy pics... getting a bit rounder :)

14 weeks and going strong!

So here we are are at 14 weeks. I am happy to be here and so glad that everything is going well.

I asked for a doppler for my birthday so I can listen to the baby's heartbeat. I've had it since Tuesday and I've heard the heartbeat 3 times. It really is the most beautiful sound in the world and I love being able to check in with Teddy Graham when my worries are getting the better of me.
On Tuesday night when Jeremy and I listened you could hear Teddy's heart beat and mine at the same time, it was really cool :) We are only listening once a day and when we find the heartbeat we only listen for about 30 seconds and then turn it off, but the peace of mind it give me is amazing. I'm hoping it will help keep me calm between appointments.

This week has been another one that was a bit rough. Monday was my birthday and my cold from last week made another appearance, or maybe it was a new one, but either way I had aches, a fever, sore throat, and headache pretty much all day on my birthday. Luckily all of it was gone except the sore throat by Tuesday cause that's the day Jeremy took me out to celebrate the fact that I'm now 26. I wish the sore throat would go away though it is NOT fun. I guess I'm going to have to be more strict about limiting sugar. I think I overdid it a bit yesterday and when I got up this morning it was really bad.

So I'm just moving along and loving everyday I get to spend with this little one, even though I don't think being pregnant is that much fun!

Oh something else kind of exciting happened this week. It was the first time someone who didn't know I was pregnant noticed that I was. Jeremy and I were at the target in south bend where Jeremy used to work before he started Andrews looking in the baby isle and one of his old co workers walked by and noticed him. They looked at him and me and said WOW you're expecting, congrats! It was kind of fun to have someone be able to tell I was pregnant. I'm sure being in the baby isle also had something to do with it but it was still fun.

Also this week I am 10 weeks away from viability. This means that in 10 weeks if the baby is born early he/she will have a chance at life, and the drs will try to save him/her. I know it might seem kind of morbid but with what happened last time it is a milestone I can't wait to reach. Gabriel never had the chance to live, cause he was too young, so if I get to the point where Teddy Graham has a chance it will be big for me, and probably go a good long way to helping me relax a bit more.

All in all I'm doing ok (better when my sore throat leaves me!) and baby is doing awesome.


Here are some pics. Notice Zoe in all of the pictures, doesn't want to be left out, and I think still trying to figure what in the world we are doing!


My magical disapearing toes, getting harder to see everyday!


My tummy at week 14

No cravings this week

So instead of cravings this week I have been developing a very severe food aversion... ughh! Normally I love meat, love beef, love chicken, love cooking with them, but guess what Teddy Graham has been refusing to let me eat them! First it started out as only beef, then chicken also started to gross me out. It's crazy because it still smells good but if I put it in my mouth I gag. It's driving me CRAZY! I've been eating a lot of vegetarian foods for the last few days and they have been going down much better.

I read about this in my pregnancy book, that sometimes pregnant women get an aversion to meat, and I literally thought "it won't happen to me". But it DID! well no more steaks, or BBQ chicken for me right now, bring on the fri chick and grillers lol :)

Awesome Dr Apointment

So I don't think I have been this happy since I found out I was pregnant. Today was so emotional for me. We went in for our ultrasound and they couldn't find Teddy Graham's heartbeat with the doppler right away so she did a tummy ultrasound and I am so glad we got to see it! There he/she was waving hello to us, I couldn't believe it... then the baby did a little dance and jumped around for us. I felt like my heart would explode with happiness and I just burst into tears... I don't know why but seeing that little life in there doing well and growing (look how much bigger he/she looks) and MOVING! We never got to see that with Gabriel so it was a first. I am so happy and grateful, to God and to Jeremy for giving me this wonderful gift. I just can't explain how I feel, it's overwhelming. During the ultrasound Jeremy just had the biggest grin on his face and he got me some Kleenex for my big crocodile tears and gave me two big kisses... he's so cute!

Also I had questions for the Dr today. We talked about the progesterone shots which she says I will be starting at week 17, I'll be going into the clinic for my shot once a week. Also I asked her about the gasping thing I've been doing and she said "it's just nerves" I told her "no it's not" so she said "well, do you catch your breath right away after you gasp?" I said "yes" she said "then don't worry about it" She is so matter of fact about everything it's funny. I also asked her about this weird pressure I've been feeling and she says she thinks it's normal. So that's good too.

My cervix is still looking good and everything is going well, I'm floating on cloud 9 tonight!

So here is our little one, who you will notice has left looking like a gummy bear behind and has now moved on to looking like a little alien! Still the cutest alien baby I've ever seen ;) In the first pic the baby is waving hello. The head and face are at the top and you can see the babies arms and big round tummy, isn't it cute?!?!?



Now in this one you can see the face again and the arms and legs. This picture has also sparked a debate...notice the little white spot between the legs... boy parts? or not? We'll be getting our anatomy scan at 20 weeks so sometime in October, we'll probably find out the sex then... but it's still fun to guess.