23 weeks

So I am now less than a week from viability and the good news is that Griffin is measuring big, already at an estimated 1lb 7 oz and measuring at a gestational age almost a week ahead of where he is supposed to be (23 weeks 6 days on the day I turned 23 weeks)

I was supposed to see my Dr (the one who did my cerclage) but at the last minute he was not available, so I had to see a Dr I had never met before. My cervix was still measuring fairly stable at 2.6 which is good, but I REALLY wanted to ask my Dr some questions and since my Dr wasn't there I had to talk to the new guy. He seemed in a big hurry, didn't even come into the room and close the door just stood with my file at the door to talk. He told me that my cervix looked good, and said I can sit upright for longer periods of time now, and go up the stairs several times a day, and take a bit longer than 5 minutes in the shower if I want. I asked if Jeremy could take me out to dinner, but he said no, and then I asked at what point would they consider giving me steroid shots for the babies lungs. He said "oh, you haven't had those yet? I'll order them for next week"

I wanted to ask more questions but I didn't because he was too unapproachable, so I'll ask next week, but I'm wondering why I need the shots if I am not threatening to deliver right away, the shots are most effective for one week after they are given and since I don't want to get multiple rounds if I don't have to I'm not sure what to do. I need to do some research on it.

So for the last few days I've been sitting up more, which has made my feet feel like all the blood is rushing to my feet, it's funny how 1 month of not doing it very often makes feel so weird! Also when I sit up for about 1/2 hour or more I feel a pulling sensation in the sides of my belly like muscles or ligaments stretching which is pretty uncomfortable, and it has been making my back hurt too. So I've been taking it slow and plan on increasing just a bit throughout the week.

I'm still a bit nervous about increasing my activity, but it feels so good to move a little bit more towards normal. I am still taking it very easy, but I have to trust that the Drs know what they are talking about. I still wish I had been able to talk to my Dr. I really trust him to take good care of me, I hope I can see him again soon. Next week I am scheduled with the midwife.

Here are the new pcitures we got of our cute little guy at his ultrasound.


Check out my handomse profile! :) The blob you see above me is my placenta.



another cute profile picture, check out my chicken legs... lol

look at my cute little toes :)

my creepy face picture ;)

Griffin and his baby dance :)

Before I got pregnant I never wondered about what it was like being pregnant, to me it was just a way to have a baby, and I knew I wanted babies. I never really thought about what it would actually be like to have a tiny human being living and squirming in my tummy.

So here are my thoughts on the subject, now that I've lived it :)

Feeling him move is an awesome, strange, humbling, totally more than anything I ever imagined type of experience.

It is awesome, it hasn't gotten common place or normal feeling yet. It still gives me a smile, and makes me wonder at how amazing life can be. It's still one of my favorite things about being pregnant and helps me feel more connected to Griffin than anything else!

It can be strange. Sometimes it does feel like I have an alien in there ;) imagine sitting there peacefully when all of the sudden your sweet little baby gives your bladder a BIG kick, suddenly I feel a surge and have to squeeze my muscles "down there" with everything I have just to stay dry... lol aww the joys of parenthood starting already... haha. He also loves to kick off the top of my uterus and then use the momentum to head butt my cervix, it is one of the most uncomfortable things he does and sometimes he makes me jump when he does it. Sometimes he gets into a pattern and will do it over and over, so I usually end up changing position and jiggling my belly and telling him to take a chill pill, sometimes it works.... sometimes it doesn't... the little rascal! I can also feel him wiggling around, it feels like I am feeling him snuggle deeper under his covers at bedtime, settling in for the night. Jeremy and I can feel his stronger kicks with a hand rested on my belly. Jeremy says it feels like there is a balloon in there and someone is blowing half a breath into it and then letting it rush back out...lol. I can also tell when he is awake and asleep which is so weird!

It's also humbling, when I think there is really actually another human being inside of my body. And he is not just any human being, he is our son, he is part Jeremy and part me, he is our son! when I realize that I am giving our son a warm safe place to grow it makes me so happy. It is unbelievable that God has given us this ability to nurture and grow our children I feel so blessed!

It's more than I ever imagined and I'm so happy to be Griffin's mommy!

A correction

I accidentally gave my blog yesterday the title of 23 weeks 4 days (subconscious wishful thinking) when I was only actually only 21 weeks 4 days.

Just thought I would let everyone know... but I'll get there eventually

21 weeks + 4 days today

So things are calm right now which is awesome. I am just over two weeks out from having the cerclage and things are still stable which is also a REALLY good sign.

Griffin is kicking harder everyday and it is so much fun. He is such a wiggler. I've been told this means he will be a really active baby. I wonder if that's true? Jeremy and I are both calm laid back people, it would sure be interesting if Griffin ended up being a hyperactive little guy!

Just a warning I am going to complain: Bed rest is hard. You might think it would be fun and relaxing to lay around all day and have people serve you (we are staying with my mom right now so she makes me food and brings me everything I need) but really think about it. I can't just get up whenever I want, I can't just go grab a snack when I get hungry, I have to call someone to do it. I don't get to go out shopping or to the movies right now. And believe it or not being on bed rest makes you very tired. My body is stiff and my muscles are also stiff and tired a lot more than usual. The other really big thing is that it is lonely. When I want some human contact I can't just go see what everyone is up to, people have to come to me, and I don't have much to offer in the way of excitement so yep, it can get a bit lonely.

Now that my complaints are out of my system I also have to say that I am so glad to be doing this for my little boy. I will and would do ANYTHING to get Griffin here safely. Everyday I go to bed and thank God that Griffin and I made it through the day safe and together, and every morning I thank God for getting us through another night. Everyday is a blessing and I cherish every moment with this little one.

That said I have to admit how scary this still is for me. I obviously have good days and bad, and like I've said before I feel good knowing that the Drs know what the problem is and that everything is being done to keep Griffin safe. Still when I lay in bed at night wondering what the next day will hold I worry. I'm so close to viability and yet I'm still not there yet, I just want to be past 24 weeks where I know this little boy has a chance at life. I'm hanging in there and trying everyday to be strong and positive for Griffins sake.

I also want to say that I am so grateful for my family and friends. I love your comments on facebook and e-mails with encouragement, every word means so much to me!

And I have to say a special thank you to my mom who has been my cheerleader throughout this whole pregnancy. She is the one who supported me with doing everything possible to get this baby here safely. She helped me clean my house and cooked me food and took care of me throughout my morning sickness. She's been the one who is mostly taking care of me on bed rest too. I LOVE her so much and appreciate how much a mother loves her child with a new appreciation. so THANK YOU SOOOOOO much mom. You are AWESOME!!!

I also want to say a special thank you to my wonderful husband Jeremy! He is my shoulder to cry on and the one who keeps me sane throughout this. He never complains when I need help with something or even when I want something I don't REALLY need, like my nightly foot rub ;) He is the one that can put a smile on my face and make me laugh even when I am feeling sorry for myself and the one who lights up my life. He already takes such good care of Griffin so I know he will be an awesome dad and I am so happy and proud to call him my husband!

So that's the update, we are still trucking along and hoping to make it as far as possible!

20 weeks

Yesterday I was 20 weeks... that's halfway to full term!

Our dr apt went well today. I am now allowed to sit up to eat & sit in a recliner during the day. So I can at least leave the bed for a while. The dr says if all is looking good in two weeks he'll give me even more privileges, like maybe walking upstairs to the kitchen to help cook as long as I am sitting down

During the ultrasound today my cervix was an excellent length 3.8cm and the ultrasound tech called Teddy Graham a crazy boy cause as usual he was giving her a hard time and wiggling around! He is such a ham ;)

in other news: today was the first time Jeremy felt Griffin move with his hand on my tummy! I think it freaked him out a bit at first cause he jerked his hand away and said "are you sure I'm not squishing him?" lol but it was wonderful and we were both so excited!!!!!

Pictures from the hospital

my favorite thing to eat in the hospital :)



The room I spent my time in

Jeremy giving Griffin a hello

Griffin and I hanging in there.

home from the hospital

So yesterday I was sent home from the hospital. I'm SOOO happy to be sleeping in my own bed, and SOOOO glad that everything seems to be calm and stable.

The emergency cerclage was done on Saturday and because my cervix was only dilating and not really shortening the Dr was able to get the stitch in 2.5 cm up from the bottom of my cervix which he said is really good. They rechecked my cervix on Monday morning it measured 3 cm so it was closed .5 cm above the stitch which the Dr seemed to be pleased with, and then they re-checked it yesterday afternoon one more time before they discharged me, and it was 3.5 cm so EVEN BETTER!!! Hurray!

I am so glad that the stitch seems to be doing it's job and that my cervix has calmed down and decided to behave better.

I've been feeling baby boy moving a lot stronger in the last week and last night was the first time I felt him nudge so strong I felt it with my hand on top of my belly. I thank God every moment he is still safe, and that we made it through this. Now we just hope and pray he stays put long enough.The Dr told me that it is unlikely I'll make it to full term and I should just take every week as a blessing, he went over all of the preemie survival and disability stats with me too. Right now I'd be ok with him going to the NICU as long as he comes home happy and healthy, I just hope he doesn't have to.

The only thing that is still a bit of a worry is that my C reactive protein (indicates inflammation) is still too high. The Dr almost kept me in the hospital longer because of it, but since everything else looks good and I haven't shown ANY signs of infection since arrival, and since I'd had zero contractions since entering the hospital he decided to send me home on an anti-inflammatory pill twice a day for a week and then once a day for a week and we'll see how I do.

They sent me home on complete bedrest, only up for bathroom and one short shower a day. It's gonna be hard because my bones are already stiff and sore from the last 4 days, but I'll do it. I've been trying to move around my feet and legs and arms when I can to keep blood flowing but it's my back that is sore.

My next appointment is this Friday, they will check my cervix again and give me my progesterone shot. I'll be seeing the Dr once a week for the next bit until they decide I have stabilized.

For some reason I just have this feeling like everything is going to be ok, and that I'm going to hold this baby in my arms alive and healthy. I hope that my hope and optimism transfer to the little one and do some good. One thing I can say is this one is a fighter! He is so active and took no trouble from anyone. He gave everyone a hard time at the hospital, every time the nurses tried to find his heartbeat they had to chase him, cause he was running around all over my belly playing hide and seek, and even the ultrasound techs were having to chase him. The other REALLY funny thing is that after the tech told us he was a boy, a few minutes later the tech started laughing and when we asked why he said because the baby was playing with his boy parts, he zoomed in and there he was holding onto it like it was a joystick lol. I think I'm going to have a real goofball on my hands and I can't wait to meet him.

We also gave him his official name a few days ago. It is a bit of a tribute to Gabriel. It starts with a G too and it is one of the names we were seriously considering for Gabriel until he became our Angel baby and then we really wanted him to have an angel name. So Teddy Graham's official name is Griffin :) We really like it. A griffin is a mythological creature that is part lion (king of the forest = courage) and part eagle (king of the air = speed) we thought it was SOOO fitting. We haven't decided totally on spelling yet but we'll work it out soon enough.

Thanks again for the support and prayers, I'll be sure to keep the blog updated on our progress.

The day after the cerclage

Thank you so much for the encouragement and prayers.

Teddy Graham and I are still alive and hopefully on the road to recovery. I was very groggy and out of it yesterday, but at least I got a good sleep last night.

Yesterday was pretty awful. I was soooo worried that any moment my water would break, or something else bad would happen. I held on to hope with all of my strength and Teddy Graham and I are still here!

The cerclage was not fun. They tried to do a spinal (same thing they would do as for c-section) and they couldn't get it in. It was SOOO painful, because she kept missing, they tried for about 15 minutes and then gave up and just knocked me completely out. So I don't remember anything until I woke up.

The Dr said it went well my water bag is still in tact THANK GOD!!! when he got in there he said my cervix was still long enough to get in a good stitch (I'll have to ask for numbers) and he felt the surgery went well. after I woke up I was having severe cramping, which hurt REALLY bad but apparently was not contractions so that is good, and I haven't had any contractions since I got here so that's also a good sign. I bled from the procedure yesterday and through the night it tapered off, this morning it's almost gone so they tell me that's good too.

The plan is I'll be in the hospital for a few more days and if everything goes well they will send me home on complete bed rest. They will wait a week and then do another ultrasound to check my cervix, if it's looking good and the stitch is holding they will let me sit up a bit during the week and then recheck. eventually he hopes to have me on modified bed rest but it all depends on how my cervix behaves.

I feel better about getting up to go to the bathroom today knowing how well they got the stitch in and that everything is being held in place and I'm aloud to incline the head of the bed just a little bit. I also might get to have a very quick shower today.

The biggest worry right now is whether or not I had a pre-exsting infection. The dr would not have done the surgery if he felt it was a likely possibility, so he thinks I probably don't, but there still is a chance.

Right now I feel like I have hope, this might sound crazy but knowing what is wrong and why I lost Gabriel, knowing that there is something proactive I can do next time to prevent this makes me feel a little better. It makes me feel like everything just might be ok. Yes it sucks that I have an incompetent cervix, my dumb body is the one not functioning and my babies have to pay the price, but at least there is something they can do.

As much as yesterday was hard emotionally, physically painful, stressful and scary, I would do it over and over again if I had to. I will fight for the life of this baby, he will not leave me without a fight.

So scared, Please pray!!!!

Everyone please pray for me and Teddy Graham. I was admitted to the hospital today after a regularly scheduled doctor appt.. My OB found that although my cervix was still fairly long, it was funnelled down to .86 cm. and the amniotic sac is sagging down that far as well. They did an ultrasound and there was some debri in the amnotic sac which they think might be an infecion. I've had blood drawn and one lab slightly elevated indicating possible infection.
The only weird symptom leading up to today was feeling like the baby was kicking my cervix. Other than that I had no warning that anything was wrong.
They have me in the Trendelynburg position (head lower than feet). The doctor will be coming by later tonight to talk to me and I may be getting a cerclage tomorrow depending on if there is enough cervix left to work with and if there are no infections.
I'm trying to be hopeful, but I'm really scared.

18 and 19 weeks :)

Sorry I didn't write an update last week, there wasn't too much to say and then I kept telling myself I'd do it tomorrow and then never got around to it. So here it is already week 19 so I'm writing both together :)

Things have been going well, baby is growing well, my Dr appointments have all been normal with everything looking as it should. Not too many new symptoms just still fighting with some of my usual ones.

The only new thing is that I've been getting light headed more and almost fainted once in the shower last week.

I've gotten two progesterone shots so far and they really aren't that bad, I was worried because I heard they hurt and then the shot location is sore afterwards but really it hasn't bothered me :)

My tummy is really starting to look pregnant to me the shape of it is definitely different than just a chubby tummy. Which is cool, I think that depending on what I wear I look more pregnant some days, but probably within the next month or so when I go in pubic people will be able to tell with no doubt!

I have definitely still felt like my tummy is really tight, I'm still getting pain when I yawn because it just seems like there is not enough room in there! Well Teddy graham is getting HUGE so that is probably why, this week he is about 6 inches, just picture a 6 inch sub from subway but then add on arms and legs… pretty cool huh?

I'm feeling him kick and wiggle everyday between 4-5 times a day now, some days more and some days less. It's funny cause sometimes it seems like the baby will have a sleepy day or two and then come in full force the next day and make up for lost time. I LOVE feeling Teddy graham move, it is really such a cool feeling!

Our big ultrasound where we will find out gender for sure and get lots of pictures of the baby is Oct 9th. After that ultrasound I'll be sure to post lots of pictures for you guys to see. At that ultrasound we will also get to see the baby in 3d so that should be AWESOME too!

Well here are some new pictures and some comparisons.

What do you think? :)